As I sat closely snuggled up to my daughter on a couch in our family room once the last person left our home after Christmas, unfortunately and embarrassingly, I didn't feel contentment. Not a single drop of joy or fulfillment. Instead of smiling and thinking over the many memories made in the last week while our home was stuffed wall-to-wall with people, food, and beautiful gifts, and the air was filled with laughter, rather loud singing by an ecstatic 7-yr-old with a brand new karaoke machine and mic stand, and giggles from a joyful 3-yr-old discovering all of his new gifts, I was left feeling really, really lonely. My heart ached because I knew the little girl nestled next to me was feeling the exact same way. We missed family.
A few short hours earlier I was catching up on emails from my brand new mac mini that my awesome hubby gave me, but could hardly dig through the shopping emails retailers were pumping out quicker than Krispy Kreme does with hot and ready donuts on a Saturday morning. Every email shouted loudly at me: 75% off here, B1G1 here, last call offers here. One email even read, "Didn't get what you wanted? Fix that now!" I immediately thought about a sermon I spoke years ago in the young adult ministry I served in, and then posted here to my blog some time ago about satisfaction in God ALONE. Here I was, sitting very aware of the fact that retailers everywhere were luring shoppers back into the stores; and some, all in the name of greed, selfishness, and lack of appreciation (of what we all received on Christmas-whether or not you actually opened a beautifully-wrapped gift under a tree or if the gift of Jesus is all you have received--that gift is for us all!!)
So many of us can say we were truly spoiled with gifts this year, but that was not what was making me feel empty. Somehow, I felt like the past week was all a blur, and I hadn't been able to sit back and breathe in any of it. This shouldn't have come as a huge surprise to me because my family is notorious for cramming absolutely everything possible into every spare second of a family holiday! This was after all, our first Christmas in our new house in Charleston, and the first time we were hosting both sides of family for Christmas in a few years. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and I see that I probably put a lot of pressure on myself because of that. Honestly though, that wasn't even what robbed me of any joy. I'm sure it certainly contributed though. No, I was feeling empty because my house was empty. Growing up, I had similar feelings when our family would come home to an empty house after traveling to be with family. My mind began to race over why I was feeling the way I was-and praying it wasn't because I'd "missed the reason for the season". A lump formed in my throat as I tried to hold back tears while cuddled up with my daughter. When we finally got our kids to bed, and I stumbled into my closet to get ready for bed-before 9 o'clock even, reality set in. My search for satisfaction over the last two weeks (the week leading up to everyone arriving, and the week that several family member were actually here) went unfound because I was knocking on all the wrong doors.
Sure, our home was beautifully decorated-wreaths, red bows, mini Christmas trees, and lights all hung outside, trees lit up and decorated inside, gifts nestled, or rather, crammed under the trees, house was clean, baking was awaiting eager mouths to fill, and the Christmas music flowed from speakers in our kitchen ceiling. So many people say the reason for the season is family, and although that is certainly a large, and very important part of this special season, not even my amazing, hilarious, generous, and sometimes (OK, most times) dysfunctional family can bring me 100% satisfaction. Sorry guys! I do love you though-immensely! No, the days flew by as a massive playground was built, huge gifts were hidden, meals were planned and prepared, last minute errands and gifts were picked up, plans for our fence in the backyard abruptly sprang forth, and don't forget Scott's BBQ HAD to be put together! :)
Again, the harsh truth was making itself very clear to me. I even got a flashback from Easter this year and a similar feeling I had after that busy weekend was over. Had I tried so very hard to make things perfect so that I would have time to really reflect on the true meaning of the holiday that I had actually missed out on the reflection part? The moment all 13 of us sat down in our family room to open gifts Christmas morning, I welled up with gratitude and tears but chose to push forward in our "traditions". I so regret NOT expressing my feelings to each person in that room right in that moment. How thankful I was for all of them. How blessed I felt that God would give me each of them. How completely undeserving I am of all of God's best, and His best being the babe born to us all 2,000 years ago. I watched my beautiful kids open every single one of their gifts so as to enjoy their sweet and sincere reactions to each one. I was bursting inside to see my amazing husband discover all the surprises that were planned for him! I watched in excitement too, all my family open the gifts that were strategically picked out for each of them weeks earlier. It was a great morning. But it all went by too fast!
How could I have been so intentional in truly marveling at all the "right" things about this season, yet still feel this way the morning after? As I sat down to write these words, I first flipped back to that post I mentioned about satisfaction in our Lord. You can find that post here . I found myself nodding along to my own words, reminding myself of past memories, and feeling clarity arise from this mess within my mind. True satisfaction can come from no one, no thing, no place, but the Lord Almighty and His son, Jesus. As many people continue to drudge through life looking for things to fill all the voids in their life, I am thankful that I know the shape of that void. It's God-shaped. Nothing fills that darkness but His light.
So, though family is gone, and the anxiety by the thought, "A new year is coming. What about all the things I didn't accomplish this year? What am I going to reach for next year?" is looming, I know that in all things, in all seasons, my God is good and my true and complete satisfaction is in Him alone! Merry Christmas everyone, and Happy New Year! My prayer is that you all would find that what fills the void we were all designed to have fulfilled, is the love of our Father.
A few short hours earlier I was catching up on emails from my brand new mac mini that my awesome hubby gave me, but could hardly dig through the shopping emails retailers were pumping out quicker than Krispy Kreme does with hot and ready donuts on a Saturday morning. Every email shouted loudly at me: 75% off here, B1G1 here, last call offers here. One email even read, "Didn't get what you wanted? Fix that now!" I immediately thought about a sermon I spoke years ago in the young adult ministry I served in, and then posted here to my blog some time ago about satisfaction in God ALONE. Here I was, sitting very aware of the fact that retailers everywhere were luring shoppers back into the stores; and some, all in the name of greed, selfishness, and lack of appreciation (of what we all received on Christmas-whether or not you actually opened a beautifully-wrapped gift under a tree or if the gift of Jesus is all you have received--that gift is for us all!!)
So many of us can say we were truly spoiled with gifts this year, but that was not what was making me feel empty. Somehow, I felt like the past week was all a blur, and I hadn't been able to sit back and breathe in any of it. This shouldn't have come as a huge surprise to me because my family is notorious for cramming absolutely everything possible into every spare second of a family holiday! This was after all, our first Christmas in our new house in Charleston, and the first time we were hosting both sides of family for Christmas in a few years. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and I see that I probably put a lot of pressure on myself because of that. Honestly though, that wasn't even what robbed me of any joy. I'm sure it certainly contributed though. No, I was feeling empty because my house was empty. Growing up, I had similar feelings when our family would come home to an empty house after traveling to be with family. My mind began to race over why I was feeling the way I was-and praying it wasn't because I'd "missed the reason for the season". A lump formed in my throat as I tried to hold back tears while cuddled up with my daughter. When we finally got our kids to bed, and I stumbled into my closet to get ready for bed-before 9 o'clock even, reality set in. My search for satisfaction over the last two weeks (the week leading up to everyone arriving, and the week that several family member were actually here) went unfound because I was knocking on all the wrong doors.
Sure, our home was beautifully decorated-wreaths, red bows, mini Christmas trees, and lights all hung outside, trees lit up and decorated inside, gifts nestled, or rather, crammed under the trees, house was clean, baking was awaiting eager mouths to fill, and the Christmas music flowed from speakers in our kitchen ceiling. So many people say the reason for the season is family, and although that is certainly a large, and very important part of this special season, not even my amazing, hilarious, generous, and sometimes (OK, most times) dysfunctional family can bring me 100% satisfaction. Sorry guys! I do love you though-immensely! No, the days flew by as a massive playground was built, huge gifts were hidden, meals were planned and prepared, last minute errands and gifts were picked up, plans for our fence in the backyard abruptly sprang forth, and don't forget Scott's BBQ HAD to be put together! :)
Again, the harsh truth was making itself very clear to me. I even got a flashback from Easter this year and a similar feeling I had after that busy weekend was over. Had I tried so very hard to make things perfect so that I would have time to really reflect on the true meaning of the holiday that I had actually missed out on the reflection part? The moment all 13 of us sat down in our family room to open gifts Christmas morning, I welled up with gratitude and tears but chose to push forward in our "traditions". I so regret NOT expressing my feelings to each person in that room right in that moment. How thankful I was for all of them. How blessed I felt that God would give me each of them. How completely undeserving I am of all of God's best, and His best being the babe born to us all 2,000 years ago. I watched my beautiful kids open every single one of their gifts so as to enjoy their sweet and sincere reactions to each one. I was bursting inside to see my amazing husband discover all the surprises that were planned for him! I watched in excitement too, all my family open the gifts that were strategically picked out for each of them weeks earlier. It was a great morning. But it all went by too fast!
How could I have been so intentional in truly marveling at all the "right" things about this season, yet still feel this way the morning after? As I sat down to write these words, I first flipped back to that post I mentioned about satisfaction in our Lord. You can find that post here . I found myself nodding along to my own words, reminding myself of past memories, and feeling clarity arise from this mess within my mind. True satisfaction can come from no one, no thing, no place, but the Lord Almighty and His son, Jesus. As many people continue to drudge through life looking for things to fill all the voids in their life, I am thankful that I know the shape of that void. It's God-shaped. Nothing fills that darkness but His light.
So, though family is gone, and the anxiety by the thought, "A new year is coming. What about all the things I didn't accomplish this year? What am I going to reach for next year?" is looming, I know that in all things, in all seasons, my God is good and my true and complete satisfaction is in Him alone! Merry Christmas everyone, and Happy New Year! My prayer is that you all would find that what fills the void we were all designed to have fulfilled, is the love of our Father.
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